hospitalitybydesign.crap.uk have just emailed me to ask whether I'd like to take my most valuable staff and best clients to have Christmas dinner with Marco Pierre White and Chris Evans ('from' £225 per person).
In the words of Ian Dury: NO FUCKING THANK YOU.
After my dressing down by the DESIGNA on Sunday, you'll be pleased to know that I managed to get in and out of the hospital yesterday without the SWAT team being deployed. Phew. I didn't dare take another photograph, though.
Which is a shame, because when you're escorting somebody to hospital, there's always lots of hanging around waiting for small flurries of activity at two-hourly intervals. And so lots of opportunity to take in exactly what's going on behind the scenes. Which is the art of making seemingly important notices that in fact tell you very little.
The walls are plastered with them: A4 laminated notices, mostly printed on light green card. And they all seem to begin with the words 'be aware'. I kid you not, but yesterday I spent 30 minutes sat opposite a notice that said 'BE AWARE THAT THE SEATS BELOW ARE NOT ATTACHED TO THE FLOOR'. Hmm? What's that? An invitation to pick up the seats and walk out with them?
And then comes the two hour wait beside the bedside. There's only one other patient on the ward and a team of eight doctors and nurses huddled behind computers. Oh, so that's what they do when they're not treating patients: they're inventing notices.
I'm not here to bore you with the details, but I've had to make several trips to hospital over the weekend. And that's where I met the DESIGNA (actually, he's the ticket machine that controls the barrier that lets you out of the car park). Perhaps his name is Dave, as in davethedesigna.
If ever you want to find an example of bad design, just head for your local hospital (well, if you're in the UK that is: I imagine the Swiss do things slightly differently).
So let me tell you about my friend the DESIGNA. Remember, you can't get out of this car park unless you've paid the parking fee and got the ticket with the magnetic strip that you then have to feed into the DESIGNA while you're sat behind the wheel of your car with your seat belt on (remember, you're in a hospital, so safety's at the forefront of your mind). That's always difficult enough, isn't it? Getting your car aligned so that you can feed the ticket into the machine.
But hospitals (or at least this one) like to make it just that much more difficult. Because they've decided that the exit lane should be at an exact right angle to the DESIGNA. Which means that you have to make a 90-degree turn within the length of your car. Not easy at the best of times; least of all when you've just paid a visit to the hospital and are probably under stress.
So it comes as no surprise that many people manage to hit poor DESIGNA (and his mate on the right) with their cars, as they struggle to execute that tight turn. Which is why they have to be protected by that mini crash barrier: set, quite helpfully, at 12 inches above the ground. Perfectly placed, that is, so that you can't see it from behind the wheel of your car.
Things are bad enough for DESIGNA himself. But his poor mate on the right comes off even worse: presumably because you have to navigate yourself around the car already struggling to feed their ticket into DESIGNA 1. So the chances of getting out without hitting the machine as well as the barrier would seem to pretty slim, based upon the evidence.
Now you'd think that would be an innocent enough observation to make, wouldn't you. I don't have a grievance; I haven't hit DESIGNA or his crash barrier (hey, I've passed my advanced driving test, don't you know). I'm just pondering why somebody would plan out a car park without employing enough common sense to realise that things would be so much easier if the machines were approached head on. It's hardly rocket science, is it? But oh no, my friends, it seems that such thoughts are not allowed.
Just as I'm getting back into my car after taking these pictures, a disembodied voice booms from DESIGNA: "Did you just take a photograph of that machine?". "Yes" I replied, truthfully. "You can't do that, it's not allowed, you'll have to drive round to security immediately". "I didn't know I was breaking the law" I said. "Well you are" said DESIGNA, "it's against relugations [sic] mate. We've got your registration."
Well, I didn't drive to security and now I'm expecting a knock at the door at any minute.
I may, or may not, be back - it all depends upon the DESIGNA.
If you've ever wondered what the 52 fonts that you should never use instead of Helvetica, I'm sure you'll find them all - and more - over at comicraft.
Don't tell them I sent you, though.
Call me old-fashioned if you like. But I remember the days when people chose a career simply in order to put bread on the table. Yes, you might take pride in your work, but for most it was simply a question of 'another day, another dollar'.
But that hippy dream we all had in 1967 gave rise to a bastard child it seems. Because 41 years down the line nobody is allowed onto the shop floor until they've been fired up to become passionate. Passionate about printing, passionate about making cakes, passionate about brewing beer, passionate about selling you credit card debt. And passionate about giving out parking tickets, no doubt.
But I've seen it all when the man you call out to service your boiler can't do his job properly until he's become "passionate about plumbing".
I wonder whether he has pipe dreams when he goes to bed at night?
I was putting out the recycling this evening...
In fact, it made me laugh out loud.
And I'd like to share it with you.
But first of all, turn your volume up.
I said turn your volume up - up to the max.
Now - put your hands in the air.
Say "WOH OH".
I can't hear you - say "WOH OH".
Altogether now "IT'S RAINHAM SHEDS".
TGIF.
I know I'm going to regret this one day, but in the spirit of 52 fonts you could use instead of helvetica (which hopefully will get through to Z) I thought why not try another subject? Now, you know there's only one davidthedesigner, don't you? But what about all the other professions? Do they have bloggers with names? Maybe they do, maybe they don't.
But here's a start at least: let me introduce you to alicethearchitect. Hello Alice. I particularly like this little story of yours about clients who are best avoided.
I've just seen my picture on the Interesting 2008 flickr pool. Thanks a bunch, bowbrick.
As if being being a customer weren't bad enough. Eh Mike?
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