davidthedesigner

neither one thing nor the other

I've not really engaged with Wimbledon yet this year, but last night I watched the second half of the Murray/Wawrinka match. It should, for me, have been full of novelty: I'd never watched Andy Murray play before (nor Wawrinka); I'd never seen a Wimbledon match played under a roof, nor after dark. But somehow it didn't grab me. Andy Murray has been held up as a potential Wimbledon champion this year. Now, no disrespect, but he's not, is he? You can see it in the body language: he just doesn't have the killer instinct and mastery of the court that defines all great champions.

But it wasn't really Murray that was troubling me. So, was it the roof? It certainly changes the acoustic, so the match didn't really sound like Wimbledon. But I don't think so. Maybe it's because it takes away the drama of whether a match is going to be interrupted by rain or bad light. But there was certainly enough tension in this match, and the crowd were animated enough when points were won or lost.

But something was troubling me.

And then I realised it's the scoreboard. It's set in Optima. The font that's neither one thing nor the other. It's horrible.

want to get mugged on holiday?

Then go out and buy yourself one of these.

you are in a designated public place (so behave yourself)

I happened to land up in Gosport over the weekend, and with a couple of hours to spare on a nice sunny day, I thought I'd take the opportunity to have a wander around. I've never been to Gosport before (I do recall that I drove through it once, though). It's not the sort of place that you'd find yourself in unless you had a reason to be there, for it's on the way to nowhere (unless to catch the ferry to Portsmouth). But, hey, it's by the sea - surely that has to be good?

But, then, you know me: I'm always spotting the things that others often don't. And I saw this:

How's that for stating the obvious? (Although, actually, it's not factually correct: that's razor wire, not barbed wire. And it's a wall, not a fence.) But why put the sign there anyway? Surely if you're inclined to go climbing over walls like this and your eyesight is so poor that you can't see the wire, you're not going to be able to see the sign either, are you?

Perhaps it's there for health & safety reasons? Somebody covering their back should someone have the misfortune of cutting themselves on the wire. It reminds me of a story I once heard about an army General attending a three-day conference at Plymouth Naval Base. He couldn't make the first day, and so he took an early train and a taxi from the station to get there for the start of business on day 2. As happens, he got into conversation with the taxi driver and explained that the conference was titled 'Extreme Warfare'. "That sounds interesting" said the taxi driver, "it's a pity you missed the first day". "Oh, I haven't missed much" replied the General, "day 1 was just Health & Safety".

But, I digress. The sign got me thinking that I ought to start a series on here about stupid or nonsensical signs. And that got me sign spotting in Gosport. And, boy, does Gosport have a problem. The Borough Council, bless their hearts, are very keen to attract visitors to the town. But the reception you get is pretty oppressive, to say the least. I can't work out whether Gosport attracts miscreants, or whether its good citizens only have a passing acquaintance with the concept of abiding by the law. Or perhaps the Council employs a little man who has too much time on his hands, who therefore decides that it's his duty to boss people about. How else would you explain this one:

Because if you're determined to skateboard in Gosport, you're hardly going to be deterred by the knowledge that you're in breach of byelaw number 47, now are you? And what on earth is 'similar'? Has anybody ever been fined in Gosport for doing something 'similar', I'd like to know.

But it's not just skateboarding, rollerblading or cycling that you're not allowed to do in Gosport:

Look at that one more closely:

Why, even Gosport's public spaces are 'designated'. To stop you doing even more things, of course.

And in case you are tempted to do something that the Council doesn't want you to do (like taking photographs of their signs, no doubt), they're keeping an eye on you from above:

It can't be much fun living in Gosport, can it? Poor things.

my continuing struggle with rss readers (#1)

I've given up on Vienna (nice interface, but its habit of skipping posts for no apparent reason drove me to distraction). Now I'm trying NewsFire. Mostly because I absolutely hate this:

No, I don't want to look for new stuff to add. And, no, I don't want an 'artist' theme. Thank you very much.

You're a search engine. Get over it.

should there be a law against logos?

Any graphic designer who works in the area of the arts (and many other fields) has to deal with the demands of including sponsorship logos. Often it's a matter of including three or four logos at the bottom of a page or a display panel. But Salisbury Festival has taken it to extremes: I've just been looking at their 2009 programme (the PDF version that you can download from their web site) and the inside front cover consists of 42 sponsor logos.

Not a pretty sight, is it? And I wonder how much they cost to design, all those logos? Only to end up here communicating absolutely nothing at all.

Sometimes I think it might be better if there were a set-aside scheme for designers: where the government (or the EU) paid designers not to design. Don't you?

The world would surely be a more attractive place without the Wessex Water one.

the junk still gets through (sometimes)

hospitalitybydesign.crap.uk have just emailed me to ask whether I'd like to take my most valuable staff and best clients to have Christmas dinner with Marco Pierre White and Chris Evans ('from' £225 per person).

In the words of Ian Dury: NO FUCKING THANK YOU.

be aware

After my dressing down by the DESIGNA on Sunday, you'll be pleased to know that I managed to get in and out of the hospital yesterday without the SWAT team being deployed. Phew. I didn't dare take another photograph, though.

Which is a shame, because when you're escorting somebody to hospital, there's always lots of hanging around waiting for small flurries of activity at two-hourly intervals. And so lots of opportunity to take in exactly what's going on behind the scenes. Which is the art of making seemingly important notices that in fact tell you very little.

The walls are plastered with them: A4 laminated notices, mostly printed on light green card. And they all seem to begin with the words 'be aware'. I kid you not, but yesterday I spent 30 minutes sat opposite a notice that said 'BE AWARE THAT THE SEATS BELOW ARE NOT ATTACHED TO THE FLOOR'. Hmm? What's that? An invitation to pick up the seats and walk out with them?

And then comes the two hour wait beside the bedside. There's only one other patient on the ward and a team of eight doctors and nurses huddled behind computers. Oh, so that's what they do when they're not treating patients: they're inventing notices.

big bruvva's watching the designa

I'm not here to bore you with the details, but I've had to make several trips to hospital over the weekend. And that's where I met the DESIGNA (actually, he's the ticket machine that controls the barrier that lets you out of the car park). Perhaps his name is Dave, as in davethedesigna.

If ever you want to find an example of bad design, just head for your local hospital (well, if you're in the UK that is: I imagine the Swiss do things slightly differently).

So let me tell you about my friend the DESIGNA. Remember, you can't get out of this car park unless you've paid the parking fee and got the ticket with the magnetic strip that you then have to feed into the DESIGNA while you're sat behind the wheel of your car with your seat belt on (remember, you're in a hospital, so safety's at the forefront of your mind). That's always difficult enough, isn't it? Getting your car aligned so that you can feed the ticket into the machine.

But hospitals (or at least this one) like to make it just that much more difficult. Because they've decided that the exit lane should be at an exact right angle to the DESIGNA. Which means that you have to make a 90-degree turn within the length of your car. Not easy at the best of times; least of all when you've just paid a visit to the hospital and are probably under stress.

So it comes as no surprise that many people manage to hit poor DESIGNA (and his mate on the right) with their cars, as they struggle to execute that tight turn. Which is why they have to be protected by that mini crash barrier: set, quite helpfully, at 12 inches above the ground. Perfectly placed, that is, so that you can't see it from behind the wheel of your car.

Things are bad enough for DESIGNA himself. But his poor mate on the right comes off even worse: presumably because you have to navigate yourself around the car already struggling to feed their ticket into DESIGNA 1. So the chances of getting out without hitting the machine as well as the barrier would seem to pretty slim, based upon the evidence.

Now you'd think that would be an innocent enough observation to make, wouldn't you. I don't have a grievance; I haven't hit DESIGNA or his crash barrier (hey, I've passed my advanced driving test, don't you know). I'm just pondering why somebody would plan out a car park without employing enough common sense to realise that things would be so much easier if the machines were approached head on. It's hardly rocket science, is it? But oh no, my friends, it seems that such thoughts are not allowed.

Just as I'm getting back into my car after taking these pictures, a disembodied voice booms from DESIGNA: "Did you just take a photograph of that machine?". "Yes" I replied, truthfully. "You can't do that, it's not allowed, you'll have to drive round to security immediately". "I didn't know I was breaking the law" I said. "Well you are" said DESIGNA, "it's against relugations [sic] mate. We've got your registration."

Well, I didn't drive to security and now I'm expecting a knock at the door at any minute.

I may, or may not, be back - it all depends upon the DESIGNA.

this made me smile #54

If you've ever wondered what the 52 fonts that you should never use instead of Helvetica, I'm sure you'll find them all - and more - over at comicraft.

Don't tell them I sent you, though.

i blame it on the summer of love

Call me old-fashioned if you like. But I remember the days when people chose a career simply in order to put bread on the table. Yes, you might take pride in your work, but for most it was simply a question of 'another day, another dollar'.

But that hippy dream we all had in 1967 gave rise to a bastard child it seems. Because 41 years down the line nobody is allowed onto the shop floor until they've been fired up to become passionate. Passionate about printing, passionate about making cakes, passionate about brewing beer, passionate about selling you credit card debt. And passionate about giving out parking tickets, no doubt.

But I've seen it all when the man you call out to service your boiler can't do his job properly until he's become "passionate about plumbing".

I wonder whether he has pipe dreams when he goes to bed at night?